TED Talk Tuesday: Amanda Palmer and The Art of Asking

A friend of mine who needs a couple of beta readers started talking to me about where she's planning on finding them--online communities of writers who are strangers. She hasn't interacted with them yet.

She's a supportive member of a vibrant local writing community, so I asked her why she wasn't looking for a critique within that community--she's already built respectful and true connections there.

She said that people are busy, and she didn't want to ask because she didn't want to bother anyone.

I told her that people would say no if they couldn't, and that I hoped that she would seek a reader within our community.

But it's so much more than that. Asking for something is often times a value exchange. For both parties. One person (hopefully) gets a thoughtful critique. The other gets to see their own mistakes in someone else's. Or see the things they do well. My writing grows so much when I critique others. Or the critiquer might get a future favor. Or karma for paying it forward. Because someone sometime gave them a critique. Whatever is exchanged, there is value on both sides of the equation.

And that is what Amanda Palmer says in her TED Talk: The Art of Asking. Value on both sides of the equation. I love the way she thinks about and interacts with her fans, her art.

And she makes a poetic case for self-publishing, I think. :) She's using a new model to get her art to her fans. Speaking of self-publishers, here's a few you will meet at the #nescbwi15 conference: our chair, Natasha Sass (writing under a pen name Ansha Kotyk) and Laura Pauling, who is presenting several workshops! (If you are planning on coming to #nescbwi15 and haven't registered, there are only a few spots until we sell out, so register soon!)



@AmandaPalmer writes more about this in her book by the same title, check it out here: http://amandapalmer.net/

What do you think? Has she taken the shame piece out of asking? Do you draw parallels between what she is doing with music and what you are doing with writing?

TED Talk Thursday: Building Creative Confidence with David Kelley

Recently, at the Loft, we've been talking about organization and productivity and about the personal practices that delay us in achieving our Epic Win in writing. (We planned a panel to talk about just that on July 23rd.)

But there is this other thing that keeps writers from writing, and that is an emotional, fear response, stemming from a lack of creative confidence.

Anyone who was lucky enough to hear Peter Reynolds (@peterhreynolds) read The Dot at #NESCBWI14 experienced how creative confidence could be inspired, rather than crushed--that moment when the little girl, sure that she is no artist, pokes her paper with her marker and shows her teacher who, in turn, tells her to sign it.

Just that. Sign it.

You are an artist. Take yourself seriously. Own wherever you might be on your writing journey and make no excuses for it. Everyone is somewhere, and you are here. You have every right to be where you are and love it. Just imagine where you can go from here!

Our job as writers is to grow our creative confidence, but I believe it is also to nurture the creative confidence in others. I've heard the horror stories. A writer who put their writing away for a year because a peer gave them a scathing, demeaning critique. Another writer who stalled out for just as long because their critique group's rules stated that they could only receive positive feedback, nothing that would promote growth and change.

But how do we do this? How do we cultivate creative confidence? David Kelley looked to a behavioral psychologist studying fears for the answer--guided mastery. Check it out:


Can't see the TED talk? Yeah, me neither. Blogger is finicky. Watch it HERE:

(We'll wait here for you!)

I love Dug Dietz's solution for fear of MRIs--I love the pirate ship adventure for kids!

So, how do we perform guided mastery for our writing process? It's about small successes. We need to acknowledge our small successes when they happen. Not berate ourselves because we are falling short of a polished, published novel.

I've been known to recommend treating our goals as a game (hence the Epic Win comment above).

And it's about getting that successful feedback from others. But I don't think that you can just ask any writer for that kind of feedback (I think it would be wonderful if you can!) you have to be selective. If you join a writing group, make sure they have clear critique guidelines.

Or take a writing class from someone who excels at creating successes in others. (Keep an eye on the Loft calendar--we are scheduling a revision class like this for the fall.)

And, make sure that when you give feedback, you are nurturing another writer's creative confidence, not destroying it.

If you enjoyed this TED talk, check out the other talks I've highlighted down in the sidebar of this blog->

Are you suffering a creative confidence crisis? What is the worst critique situation you've been involved in? Have you told anyone to sign their dot today? Why the hell not? :)

Don't Fix Me

I had a friend who would always give me advice**.

When I'd say: Urgh, laundry is piling up at home. It's such a pain. I just can't keep up with it.

She'd tell me: What you need to do, is do a load every day. And put it away as soon as it's done. That's what I do.

Let's take a closer look.

What I really said: I have a tough time balancing what I want to do (write) with what I need to do (everything else). I wish there was a way to magically get all the work done so I can focus on my writing career. Unless I find a cleaning fairy, and trick her into being my personal servant, I guess I'm going to have to suck it up and do the house work. But only when I have to. :)

What she really said: I am better than you at life. I have my priorities straight, and get everything done. I won't let anyone see that sometimes I'm not in control of my life. I will reach down (from my pedestal) and try to lift you up to my standards. 

Okay, now clearly, my friend probably didn't mean to say this. But by always telling me how I should do things, that was what she was communicating. That she was better at something than me. Not that I had my own way that should be respected. Not that I should be enjoyed in spite of (or because of--gasp--) all my laundry flaws. And, not that she was going to support me through my laundry crisis.

But that she was going to fix it.

Fix me.

This is not to say that I don't want expertise. I WANT expertise. If you know how to fix my computer, and can show me how, that's super awesome. In fact, if anyone out there knows how to fix a dryer which won't spin, PLEASE tell me!!

But don't fix me.

I have some wonderful crit partners. They are tough. Very tough on my WIPs. They tell me what works, what doesn't. They tell me which parts pulled them out from the book, made their thoughts wander. Sometimes they tell me I'm crazy.

But they don't try to fix the crazy.

They don't say: Your main character should do this... or, I would write it like this...

They do say: In chapter two, the goal of your main character isn't clear. That pulled me out of the scene.

It's a fine line, I know.

But the perspective of the first example is that they know what is best for my story, for ME, and they will pull me up and teach me what it is. Which is awfully presumptuous. And a little jerky.

The perspective of the second example is that they are there to support me to make my writing better. In fact, if you read between the lines, they are confident that I know the solution, and can make the scene better.

Which may be true, or might not be true. If it's not, then because of that awesome critique, I now know what the issue is. And if I have an issue in one work, it's probable that I have a similar issue in another work. And I need to figure out what the fix is, or if I need to do some craft related research, so I can learn how to fix it. But it's mine to fix.

Don't fix me.

Don't fix my writing.

I love this quote:

Remember: when people tell you something's wrong or doesn't work, they are almost always right. When they tell you exactly what's wrong and how to fix it, they are almost always wrong. ~ Neil Gaiman

But, seriously, about the dryer--anyone?

How do you go about crits? How do you quiet your voice when it says to you, "if this was my work, I would write it this way..."?

What type of crit do you find most helpful? Have you had bad experiences with critiques? Good experiences? Do you let people know ahead of time what type of feedback works for you?

Update on ROW80--I lost sight of my goals for a few days. I could use the excuse of a laundry crisis, but I won't. I'm spending the day chatting with a crit partner, and getting back on track. How are you doing with your goals?

**I hope all of my friends aren't cringing over the time that they gave me laundry advice. I would love to hear how you get your laundry done. This particular friend just always told me how to be a better person, and is no longer my friend (not because of that trait alone, but I have to say that not being her friend makes my life much better). :) Also, if she were as cute as that kitten, I would have probably suffered through the advice!

Parenting Styles

Critiquing is a skill. And one that I worry about when I do it. Am I truly respecting the writer's child? Am I loving it as it should be loved, and am I pointing out any misbehaving? Because otherwise, I'm letting that child (and writer) down.

My crit partner is a genius when it comes to critiquing. He carefully supports the neck and head as he holds my baby, says how beautiful she is, and then gently tells me that the baby has spit up all down its front. Perhaps I should consider changing her?

Writing is exploration for me--I go on walks with my baby through seedy parts of town--just to see. My baby doesn't know better. She gurgles happily in her stroller, and allows me to take her wherever I want to go. I love to walk. And when my crit partner says, "I think you took a wrong turn." I own up to it. "I know, I saw all the signs. The broken windows. The guys in ski masks. I know, I know. I never should have taken my baby down this way. But there was this really cool vintage shop just around the corner. And, on the way, I saw this other street. I think I'll take a look." I try the different direction. Even if I don't use any of the day's travels, the journey still helps me get to where I need to go. My crit partner understands this, and is a very patient co-parent and partner.

I recently did an exchange with new critter. And I was worried--not only did I not know what kind of parent she was, but would I be a good sitter for her? Would I love her child and know how to tell her when her child misbehaved? "We don't put our hands on the stove at my house..." Or would I let her child run rampant? Permissive parenting has never been my style. In the end, her baby was a delight. I loved the baby. I wasn't all that graceful in telling her my thoughts--I let the worry get in the way. However she was graceful in critiquing my baby. She was an extremely capable sitter--honest, reflective and respectful.

So, thanks R, for pointing out the seediness, and thanks E, for the honest feedback.

And thank you both, for never once saying (yet), "Dear God, what IS that thing?"

What kind of parent and sitter are you? What kind of sitter do you prefer for your baby?